Confessions of a Lonely Fat girl

I’ve figured out how to stop binges

If I can get through a day without eating any of my trigger foods, then there is no desire to binge.

My trigger foods:

All junk food,sugar and processed anything (of course)

Grains,flour, dairy, and potatoes..I have sabotaged months of eating only raw foods and not binging by convincing myself that having a little potato or rice was ok…it’s not.

Though in itself either are not bad.. but they trigger me to eat and eat and eat..everything

"Oh c’mon….just a little desert won’t hurt anything!"  But it does..You never say to an alcoholic " Oh c’mon..just one drink wont hurt anything!" because it doesn’t work that way 

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If you’ve read my older posts, you already know my relationship history ( Or lack there of)

My last “boyfriend” was when i was 13 …22 fucking years ago.

Ive had several casual relationships since then, but with nobody I really had feelings for.

The boyfriend I had at 13 dumped me for a cute little blonde, and he didn’t even bother to tell me..i found out by finding a defaced valentine i had made him. This set forth the fear of being hurt…the deep seeded fear that has kept me away from relationships.

And it wasn’t just that. Through out my teenage years i was constantly reminded that guys don’t date fat chicks..just the way it was, so i was shit out of luck.

When I became an adult, and i would see large women in relationships..i realized some men DO date fat chicks..if that is true…then…it’s just me…Men don’t date me

And that’s a belief i still carry and struggle with.

I’m tired of being the weirdo who is always single…though i don’t want kids now..i do in a few years.

I feel like im the only one in the entire world my age who doesn’t have an “ex” 

I’m tired of thinking there’s something wrong with me. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being fat…yet i don’t change anything. Sigh

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Just binged and i feel so uncomfortable. I just wanna burst into tears. 

Ever feel like life just isn’t meant to work out for you?

I’m going back to a raw diet tomorrow..enough excuses

I’m furious with myself

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Anonymous said: Hey I just stumbled onto this page. Is it current? Can't seem to find a date for the postings so I'm not sure. I sure hope you're still around. I'm having a bad day, let's be real, a bad last 12 years actually and your posts feel as if I wrote them myself. Need to change. Crave change, hunger change, but my addiction to wallowing in my fat and depression is so much stronger to break. *sigh*

Honestly I haven’t been keeping up to date with my posts which I really should be. I should be checking in more often. I appreciate all the messages and would really like to chat with all of you anons one on one :)

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Anonymous said: Have you ever considered gastric surgery? I'm having the gastric sleeve done in September because I know weight loss on my own is not an option for me, my friend just had it done and she lost 38lbs in a month, it's not a miracle but it can completely change your life, I was just wondering if you've ever considered getting it?

Yes actually. The surgery is covered here and I was actually all ready to go…I spent a few months on the wait list, had all my tests done and all I had to do was lose 40lbs and then I’d have the surgery. I didn’t book a follow up appointment in 2 months and was kicked out of the program. So now I have to start over. Get another referral and get back on the wait list. Sigh

If received several messages from people seeking advice and offering advice. I’d prefer to send messages privately so if you would like a response please don’t leave anon messages :)
I have made some changes in the last month, moved out to my grandparents farm for the summer and am doing very well. I’m exploring my spiritual self and working on self love ( that’s what its all about folks!) If you’re sad, lonely , dissatisfied with your life , body , friends…practicing and implementing self love will turn you whole life around.
Look forward to hearing from all of you ;)

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Anonymous said: "I desperately want a guy to care about me." I'm sure more people care for you than you realize. Even people who you don't recognize or even know are still hoping for good things for you. You're pretty much a stranger to me but I care about you a lot after reading your tumblr.

Thanks :)  Yes I’m sure people care about me..but I really would like that one special person

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I desperately want a guy to care about me

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Anonymous said: I'm somewhat similar to you. I'm pretty lonely and I'm very introverted. I don't think you have to be embarrassed or anything. I know how you feel. We are extra critical on ourselves. I hope you are feeling better about yourself recently though. P.S. - I don't know if you are in a relationship but I have to admit that I do find big girls very attractive and sexually stimulating. I'm a lonely scrawny guy. Maybe...we can be lonely together. Would love to see pics of you or something. Possible?

You should go through my blog and read what ive written about me and relationships, they don’t happen. We can exchange pix if you’d like..if you come  off anon

I’m having difficulty leaving my comfort zone

I’ve been stuck in it for almost 10 years. If something is too uncomfortable, ill either quit..or not even try

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The Person I am:

 Someone who has a close group of friends, goes to see live bands, coffee shop performances, keeps in touch with old friends, has an adorable boyfriend, doesn’t turn down an invitation anywhere and understands how awesome I really am.

The Person I’m Being:

Completely isolated and in denial, chooses to be numb 24/7, insecure and self loathing.

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